


A compendium of cocktails, as sampled by Beelzebub and Dagon, Lower Management.

by Eshnoazot



Series: Ineffable Bureaucracy [9]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Dagon is a good friend, Frenemies, Hastur and Ligur are boyfriends this is not up for discussion, Hasturlavista, Ineffable Bureaucracy (Good Omens), Other, cocktails, demonic friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-23
Updated: 2019-09-23
Packaged: 2020-10-26 19:54:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20747828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eshnoazot/pseuds/Eshnoazot
Summary: “I’ve had this bucket of Jägermeister sitting on my shelf for the past decade or so,” Dagon said when Beelzebub walked straight into Dagon’s office and threw themselves into a beanbag that had been rotting since the ’80s, “The mayonnaise is in the shoe rack.”“Fuck yes,” Beelzebub replied, and proceeded to mix the two in an array of Vaseline shot glasses that glowed ominously in the dark.





	A compendium of cocktails, as sampled by Beelzebub and Dagon, Lower Management.

**Author's Note:**

> The second part! Three fics in one night, I'm on a roll and I should be sleeping.

**A compendium of cocktails, as sampled by Beelzebub and Dagon, Lower Management.**

_(With help from Hastur and Ligur, gate crashing extraordinaire.) _

  1. ** The Smoker’s Cough**

“I’ve had this bucket of Jägermeister sitting on my shelf for the past decade or so,” Dagon said when Beelzebub walked straight into Dagon’s office and threw themselves into a beanbag that had been rotting since the ’80s, “The mayonnaise is in the shoe rack.”

“Fuck yes,” Beelzebub replied, and proceeded to mix the two in an array of Vaseline shot glasses that glowed ominously in the dark.

  1. ** The Horse Jizz.**

Dagon frowned down at the soup bowl and discarded it in favour of a ceramic pot with fading flowers down the side. They looked hand-painted, but worn away, like Dagon had stolen it from a car boot sale, or an estate auction.

“Did you find the milk?” Dagon asked while pouring warm beer into the pot.

In the background, Beelzebub was rummaging through Dagon’s pile of pizza boxes and inspecting bottles of milk, “None of them are ready yet.”

Dagon huffed, “It’s so frustrating that humans sell unripe milk – it’s so annoying waiting for the date on the jug to finally arrive.”

  1. ** The Cement Mixer**

“-And then he said, _‘you can’t be mad’_”, Beelzebub mimicked, and scowled down at the two glasses in front of them, “How am I supposed to _respond_ to that?”

Dagon paused to shoot a glass of lime juice into her mouth, and then chase it with a shot of baileys. She coughed and spluttered as the two congealed into a sticky mass that she almost choked on.

“He’s so ugly,” Dagon responded sagely, “You should have just let me eat him. I’ve always wondered what Colonel Sanders could have done to Angel wings.”

“A Devil Dry rub,” Beelzebub offered, and then the two spluttered into laughter.

  1. ** The Four Horsemen**

“I’ve put two cups in front of you,” Dagon said ominously, “Corporate needs you to find the difference between these two liquids. One is industrial paint stripper, the other is a mixture of every gold label whiskey I could steal from a bodega in New York.”

“Gimme,” Beelzebub responded, and drowned both within seconds, “Paint Stripper was the first one.”

“Trick question,” Dagon responded, “Both of them were the same thing and I’m not telling you which one it was.”

  1. ** The Hot Mexican Hooker**

“Dagon, what if- “Beelzebub said, and then stopped as they drained the liquid from a can of tuna into Dagon’s mugs of tequila and tabasco, “What if I actually – think it’s _okay_ if he loves me?”

“My Lord,” Dagon said fondly, “You could seduce _God_ herself if you wanted, we’d throw an absolute party to celebrate your great feat.”

"I've still got time for that," Beelzebub rose their glass, and they both drank to the thought.

  1. ** The Oil Spill**

“Didn’t we drink the Jägermeister?” Beelzebub asked, curiously peering down at the tin Dagon presented, “I’m pretty sure we did.”

“This one is flavoured with glass,” Dagon added, “It’s been marinating for a few years now.”

“You still have the peppermint and cinnamon schnapps in your fishtank yeah?” Beelzebub looked thoughtful.

“Yeah, grab the coconut rum from the mouse skeletons on your way, will you?”

  1. ** The Beelzebub**

“What if?” Beelzebub asked, and then stared up at the ceiling while Hastur mixed a bucket of vodka, tomato juice and cottage cheese and splattered it into ice cream cones with a flourish.

“What if?” Dagon asked, propping herself up on her desk while Ligur rummaged in the drawer for fancy straws.

“What if I – have _feelings_ for Gabriel that aren’t_ just_ general disdain?” Beelzebub wondered.

Ligur returned with the straws and then set fire to the cocktails with Hellfire so bright it burned blue. Beelzebub had to look away because the fire burned in a shade just a little too close to Gabriel’s new suit.

“Like hatred?” Dagon asked, with a curve to her lips that was cruel, but beneficial.

“The opposite,” Beelzebub admitted in a low voice, and Hastur inhaled his waffle cone too quickly and he slumped over while Ligur pounded on his back in alarm, “The exact opposite, my frenemies.”

“You’re _depraved_,” Dagon responded in utter delight.

  1. ** The Ferment Me Not**

“I once had a _not hatred_ feeling,” Ligur said, as he rubbed natto between his fingers until the oozy fermenting soybeans were squelching loudly, “When I was drinking this.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s _heartburn_,” Beelzebub responded dryly, although watched curiously as the natto garnish was added to the cocktail of bacon-washed bourbon, coconut liqueur, fernet and egg whites, “What did you do?”

Then, he lit his fingers on fire and watched the liquid boil. It smelled meaty, with a scent of bile that floated around the room.

Ligur frowned, “Hastur gave me the glass, I just stuck around him and it worked until Crowley killed me.”

Hastur grinned widely, “When you drink this one, it feels like licking a _battery_.”

It did.

  1. ** Cheesed to Meet Blue**

“Sardine-washed blue curaçao, heavy cream, gorgonzola syrup, blended scotch, Sour Patch Kids powder,” Dagon announced, and gave up all pretences of mixing a cocktail when she dumped it all into a vase.

Beelzebub started gagging from a few metres away.

“Dagon, you’re an artist,” Ligur acknowledged, looking very impressed.

  1. ** Angel’s Delight**

“How do you make that?” Hastur asked, when Dagon announced it, only to be scowled at as Dagon threw a bucket of water over Beelzebub.

“By getting the fuck out and stopping this procrastination,” Dagon announced, “It’s been days. Go and either kill him or deal with him. I don’t care either way.”

Beelzebub went.


End file.
